2009 - New Meaning of Life

I didn't know that it was such a long time when I last wrote, more than a year ago! Between this period there were days I wanted to sign in and update happenings but than my moody mood sats in.

In April 2008, we adopted a little boy. No I mean a little male dog name "Brandy" from SPCA. Since they named him Brandy, I did not want to change his name when he came home to us. He is a Papillon of white and red. A handsome boy instead. Ok, life became "normal" for us again and we are a happy family.

2008, was also a year when my dad was in and out of hospital. He was diagnosed to have stones in kidney, his heart was shrinking and other "old" people health problem. Most of the time, he was admitted in the late evening like 11pm or midnight and we were all thinking the worst. However, he survived those critical moments. Life was not easy in the sense that we knew he was just waiting/buying time.

Just a couple of weeks before the 2009 Chinese New Year, he was admitted again. He recovered and returned home for his last reunion celebration. Every 2nd day of the Chinese New Year, my family members would have tim sum at a restaurent and then return to our parents home for a family photo session. Same this year and my youngest brother even managed to hook on the webcam with our China relatives for my dad to talk with them. It was such a happy day for him as he had kept intouch with them often via telephone but this time was thru live webcam. We played cards like jimrami with him and he was excited. In fact we all knew this would be his last Chinese New Year with us and inorder to make him happy, the next day we came by again to have another game with him.

He was getting weak each passing day but he did not forget that very important date of the 2nd lunar month 2nd day, which is the birthday of the Earth God. He asked me to have my husband to take mom to the market on that morning to buy all the offerings to the God. Each time he saw me, he kept reminding me about this day. A week before he was admitted to hospital because of low blood sugar. He stayed for 2 nights and my two older sister took turns to watch over him. According to my eldest sister, he nearly didn't make it but he did it again. He had said before that he would want to die at home and not in the hospital. So we took him home on the third day and had the hospital nurse to come over to give him his glucose jab.

Back home, he felt at ease but was complaining about the chest (heart) uncomfortable. He had no appetite and he could only sleep in an upright position bending over his chest. It was my turn to stay and watch him that night. Around 9pm he went to bed and he actually sort of slept but then we had to wake him up again when the nurse came around 10pm. He was to have 3 jabs - every 12 hours. The nurse was talking to him and he responded well. He even asked my youngest brother to buy 4D the next day, and also he remembered that next day was the important Earth God day. Again remaining me to take mom to the market.... Not long after the jab, he complained he couldn't sleep, kept asking for more medication. He was given a small dose of morphine earlier on and other stuff. I contacted my sisters and was told to give him another dose of morphine. I did and not long he told me he could not see. His eyes were wide opened and cannot close. I told him he was just sleepy after having so much medication and he also began to talk in a mumble. Before long, he couldn't talk but use his hand to touch his mouth, meaning he wanted water or he touch his shoulder, meaning he want me to rub his chest and back. I knew then he was slipping away from us.

I sat in a chair beside him and didn't know how long or when I fell asleep before I woke up. I went to touch him and found him in cold sweat and his shirt was soaked. I woke up the maid and my youngest brother. We changed him but he was not responding to our questions... could find his pulse... I gave him water using a straw but he did not suck, so use a teaspoon he didn't seems to suck either. It was already morning around 5am. My mom woke up and told her about dad's condition. We all knew this day could be his last day. Later, my other siblings arrived and we contacted his specialist doctors to confirm his condition and my sister confirmed that we had done our best.

The nurse came back in the morning around 10am and she checked on him. Through her experience on dying patient, my dad was "waiting for sometime" so my sisters and brothers started calling their children to come back from work/school to be with him. Of course, this day was an important day and my hubby took my mom and my 2 sis-in-law to market to buy the offerings and then back home to prepare. After all the preparation was done, he drove them to the temple to make the offerings. When they came back, my mom asked to cut a piece of pork for dad to taste. A small piece and my mom rub it on dad's mouth and told him that she went to the temple and made the offering.... My dad was just sitting on the bed with his eyes and mouth wide opened and no response. All grandchildren came back and we just milled around him. At around 1.15pm he had his last breath and bid us goodbye. Later we found out what our dad was "waiting." On this day of the Earth God, the temple association would have a cantonese opera (wayang) staged for 4/5 days. Around 1pm there will be a prayer to the God at the temple, so that was what our dad was waiting, the actual prayer to the God and my dad's last wish was fulfilled.

I felt my dad's passing was blessed. His last wish was fulfilled, secondly a couple of minutes after his passing, there was a sudden heavy downpour from the clear blue sky - they say that when a good person pass away and there is a downpour it means the heaven is also crying for his good soul. 3rdly during the wake, the afternoons were so burning hot, it came the heavy rain chasing away the heat. On the day of his funeral, it was a good bright sunny day. It was even a greater bless sign after the collection of his ashes and placing it at the temple, when we returned to mom's place, there was a rainbow near the block. What's more, my eldest brother sifu from Tibet was visiting Singapore at that time and he did the chanting for dad. All these indicated that my dad was happy in Buddha's Pure Land. Actually, after the immediate passing of dad, when I first closed my eye while praying to the Goddess of Mercy at my home, I saw him sitting in the lotus flower.

These days, I'm feel with lots of thoughts about life. Why do we have to suffer before dying......

Amitaba